“There are always and only two trains running. There is life and there is death. Each of us rides them both. To live life with dignity, to celebrate and accept responsibility for your presence in the world is all that can be asked of anyone.”
– August Wilson (Two Trains Running)
Damn, I’ve been a downer lately. Passive aggressive. Shit, aggressive period. Petty. Ruminating on past hurt. Vitriolic. Preoccupied with balancing others’ karma. It’s interesting, a good friend of mine pointed out that trying to balance others’ karma throws one’s own karma off kilter. And God knows, I need all of the good karma I can get. Atonement is where I am at these days.
Another friend of mine sent this to me yesterday, and I can’t stop watching it. I love Denzel, and all, but it’s his words — and the authority and conviction with which he says them that is captivating me.
“True desire in the heart for anything good is God’s proof to you, sent beforehand, to indicate that it’s yours already. You already have it. Claim it.” – Denzel Washington
And here’s the thing. I do desire good, and goodness. My heart isn’t simply filled with negativity and scars from my past hurt. Regardless of what some people think, my heart isn’t simply consumed with revenge fantasies of karma serving its justice. I want to be happy. I want to be content. I want peace.
Meditating on the idea that the good thoughts and desires in my heart are already mine (and sent beforehand), is comforting to me. More significantly, they’re proof from God. If I accept this as true, I can only imagine that the negative thoughts and desires that consume my mind are the opposite. I know they’re not of God (or from a place of goodness). So, I have to imagine that they’re mine, too — ready to be claimed. And I don’t want them.
I’ve been relatively zen the past few days — especially after I’ve become resolute in my desire for closure. And more importantly, balancing my own karma. Because Lord knows, I have a lot to do.
Man, 2016 has been awful. But honestly, it’s been par for the course, because the last three years have been terrible for me. It’s been getting to the point, lately, that I am wondering if I’ve been dealt a hand that I am just not equipped to play. Like, I’ve been ready to throw in my hand. Betrayal, deceit, heartbreak, serious illness — it’s just been too much.
But being spiritual, the number three sticks out to me. The past three years have been probably the most difficult that I’ve experienced in my life. But the number three gives me hope. Three represents wholeness (mind, body, soul), completeness (beginning, middle, end), the temporal (past, present future) — three is kind of deep.
After three years of chaos, I embrace this fourth year — four is spiritually significant, too. I will be turning 37 (7-3 = 4 — ha; I was just being facetious with that one); but seriously, four is also said to be/represent:
the number of stability, order and completion of justice; the number of the square, four phases of the moon, four seasons, four elements, four cardinal points — number four is a perfect number.
So as I end this three years of chaos, I will embrace good thoughts and desires — for they are already mine, as Denzel opined. I open my arms to 2017. My number four.