Unchecked Motives.

After a heated argument with my ex today, he likened our “friendship” to an abusive relationship. While my initial thought was, “This man has a lot of nerve, after the hell he caused in my life”, upon further reflection, I realized that he was right.

You know the drill. Someone gets her ass beat (literally or figuratively), she tells herself that she needs to leave (of which she has every intention), he apologizes and somehow smooths things over, she believes him, and justifies the abuse because “he really is a good guy”, and the cycle continues.

Or. He cheats, and gets caught. His woman decides that the relationship is too deep to end because of one mistake. She forgives him. But then every opportunity she has (even if it has nothing to do with anything significant), she reminds him, all over again, of the cheating and how much it hurt her. She blows up. He takes her tongue lashing. And the cycle continues.

Neither of the scenarios are healthy. But, people tolerate these things. Why?

Love? Fear of being alone? Fear of change? Familiarity? Delusion?

I digress.

I read an article today that suggests that remaining friends with an ex is the worst possible thing. Like ever. In fact, many psychologists recommend against it. Lollie Barr in the article “Can You Be Friends with Your Ex” suggests that we check our motives. Like, why would I want to be friends with someone who broke my heart — who disregarded my feelings — who turned my world upside down? According to Barr, “Understanding your motives for wanting the relationship to continue is important. You could be resisting letting go because you don’t want to admit failure, or you’re holding on to a glimmer of hope…”

Or maybe it’s deeper than that. I mean, is that enough to tolerate the emotional abuse (often unintentional) that can come along with attempting to maintain a friendship with a person who, for various reasons, didn’t make the cut (to put it mildly), relationship wise?

Dr. Juliana Breines points to research suggesting, “…that on average exes tend to have lower-quality friendships than…friends who were never romantically involved. They are less emotionally supportive, less helpful, less trusting, and less concerned about the other person’s happiness”.

Case in point: my ex can’t even mention his son, by name, without it setting me off (and he knows it); furthermore, I have no desire or interest in hearing anything about him (most people have at least a superficial interest in knowing the goings on with their friends’ children, but I don’t) — in fact, it will trigger me to the point of me spewing the nastiest vitriolic jabs I can muster. And that’s not normal. (For those who may not read this blog regularly, my “ex’s son” refers to the child he knocked some random, goofy broad up with when he was out of town “for work”, and named him the name we had discussed naming our future hypothetical child — check it for reference).

It’s actually kind of deep, because if I was a real friend, wouldn’t I welcome hearing the great things about my “friend’s” child?

So, again, why? Is the love I was able to salvage enough? Because, let’s face it, there’s no way that I could ever fully recover from this debacle — even if I wanted to. So, again, why?

Nina Atwood, relationship (or more specifically, singles) coach, writes, “Wanting to be friends keeps you from feeling the full depth of the loss, softening the blow of the breakup”. For me, I think this is compounded by the fact that he is over 1,000 miles away, and I haven’t had the closure (of a face to face encounter) I’ve needed, since our relationship ended. So, if I can still talk to him every once in a while, I can pretend, for a moment that he just doesn’t live here. It’s not like I run the risk of running into him when I’m out and about.

Plus, I don’t think I’ve fully let myself heal properly. Putting things into further perspective, FWB was the drama that ensued after him, so…yeah.

So, at this point, I am still asking myself why I still desire to be friends with him. I have some serious reflecting and discerning to do.

Or, let’s be real — does he have any reason to want to remain friends with me? Being frank, what I’ve illustrated here is just a fraction of the things I’ve done during the course of our 5-year relationship to garner his disrespect.

So why? What are our motives? Our intentions? Breines cautions, though that, “Ulterior motives can be sneaky, though—our minds have ways of disguising them as more innocent aims. So make sure you are being honest with yourself about what your true intentions are“.

Lots to think about.

REWIND: Karma’s Revenge, Part II.

This was written several months ago, but never shared publicly. There’s a lesson here, folks. The Universe works things out in its own time, but rarely do we ever get to witness justice served. The Gods and Ancestors were looking down on me, in this instance, and granted me a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Remember my ex-friend — the one who got knocked up by my ex-FWB? Well, look at the text I got today:

____ Your revenge was delivered. You were absolutely right about him. The true hurt will forever sit in my baby’s heart. I’m truly sorry and I miss you!

Girl, bye. Too little, too late. That said, it is lovely to be able to experience karma biting one’s wrong-doer in the butt. I think we all, at one point in time, have had revenge fantasies that help us cope with tough times and betrayal; but, it’s rare to be handed that justice on silver platter. Satisfaction beyond belief.

So, in her text, she divulged that the ex-FWB “cheated on her” (the whole idea of her conceptualizing what they had as a relationship is laughable – read: delusional) and has another baby on the way (theirs is only 9-months old). Oh, and that she threw him out and is no longer “with him” (how you can be “with” a man who doesn’t even claim your child is puzzling to me — oh yeah, she confessed that, too).

I asked her if she really believed that she could have something serious with him, knowing what a low-down jerk he is. She, without hesitation, replied “yes” (while repeatedly apologizing for ruining our friendship).

Here’s the thing. I can go from zero to one-hundred in a heartbeat (meaning, I will unleash wrath like you’ve never seen without hesitation), but I am actually quite the forgiving person (I am able to maintain a semblance of a friendship with my ex — the ultimate betrayer, so that should say something); however, I have no room in my heart for a friend who would sacrifice a real friendship for, let’s be honest, some dick.

This woman was one of the few people who knew what I had just dealt with in my last rela423b15534f16ece6ac9609b2a0269fcdtionship. She witnessed my breakdown. She knew my heart was raw. She knew that trust was important. Yet, she chose to lie and pursue, quite frankly, something that I would’ve been okay with if she would have kept it real with me. FWB and I were not in a relationship, and if you recall in an earlier post, intentions and honesty mean everything to me. So, if she was that hard up for sex, and she would’ve been up front, I would have been completely ambivalent about it.

But don’t get it twisted; I would have given her the low-key side eye in perpetuity, and I would’ve kept him at a distance (because sloppy seconds really aren’t my thing). But, she would’ve kept our friendship in tact.

So, I didn’t accept her apology. I don’t forgive her. But, I wish her well.

You reap what you sow.

James Baldwin once wrote, “My memory stammers, but my soul is a witness” — forgiving and forgetting is irrelevant; my soul was assaulted. For what it’s worth.

 

REWIND: All That Glitters.

This post was written back in May of 2015, but never shared publicly. This was the culmination of a bunch of bullshit, but not the end of the Universe’s way of sorting things out. It’s a continuation of A Weak Apology (previously published).

As I suspected (never underestimate the power of an INFJ’s intuition), my ex-friend is, indeed, pregnant by my ex-FWB.

Let me digress for a moment, and ask you to reflect on the significance of an INFJ’s intuition:

“They rely on their advanced intuition to scan through loads of l-18981sensory information and grasp patterns and connections that give them clues about what may happen in the future. They are much better at determining future outcomes than many other types, but it isn’t because of any magical ability, it’s simply the way the INFJs mind is programmed. This is where we get into really understanding INFJ Introverted Intuition.”

In any case. The fact that he still tried to deny (yes, the jerk still tries to contact me) it until I came across the the baby shower pictures on Facebook is amusing. If you care to know the specifics of this sordid drama, read my first couple of posts.

In any case, all these months later, my pride still fuels my anger about her betrayal.

As an anonymous congratulations, I sent my dear friend a glitter bomb. I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall when she opened it. It gives me great pleasure to imagine the sunlight illuminating random pieces of glitter in the carpet, etc., at random times — as a gentle reminder of her low down, dirty, foul ways.

FAST FORWARD: In hindsight, it amuses me to realize that karma was a far bigger bitch than I was, or could ever be. Folks: never underestimate the power of karma, and the universe’s master plan.

REWIND: A Weak Apology.

This was originally written over two years ago after my FWB confirmed that he and my ex-friend actually slept together. If you recall, I knew that there had been shady business with them, and proceeded accordingly, but before writing the following, hadn’t heard from my friend.

I received a passive-aggressive apology and peace offering from ex-friend. Yeah, the one who slept with my ex-FWB (and, yeah, I shamefully admit that I was still dealing with him after all of the drama. After all, we were just kickin’ it. Don’t judge me.)

To be honest, I never thought he was still involved with her. I wouldn’t necessarily put it past him, but I guess i thought she was smarter than that (I let her now how much of a dog he was in past texts and voicemails).

In any case, her e-mail consisted of claiming to miss me, wanting to make peace, blah, blah, blah. In her e-mail, though, was a phony and passive aggressive tone that pissed me off. She talked about how much she lost (through ruining our friendship), but gained a lot too, and was happy, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I replied and told her that passive aggression had no place in an apology, and it was uncouth to talk about how happy you are in a peace offering to someone you’ve wronged. I proceeded to tell her that FWB had told me about how she threw me under the bus (another story, but she’s the type of person who tries to make her light shine by dimming others’).

She responded, and proceeded to claim that she was surprised that he and I still communicated, and continued that “it was on him” to tell me “about them”. More about my reflections on that a bit later.

Later that evening, feeling bitter (and admittedly inebriated), I responded to her last e-mail, and told her the truth about FWB (or at least how he talked about her to me. Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant. I was being petty). I told her that he was using her, trying to get her money, etc. I was very petty & screenshot (and sent) her how not serious this idiot is (I always keep pertinent receipts).

Having said that, man drama is not my style, but my pride is important. I was only “kickin’ it” with this guy, but no one is going to think they played me like an idiot. No one is going to upstage me. Or, as Patrick Swayze said in Dirty Dancing : “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”. Literally and figuratively.

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner…”
– Johnny Castle, “Dirty Dancing” | © 1987 Vestron Pictures, Dir. Emile Ardolino

 

I was basically being a bitter bitch. Furthermore, I was a coward, sent the e-mail & blocked her. Did i have to do that? No. Should I have let karma run her course? Yes. Did I want to make her feel as miserable as me? Yes. Did it help? Kind of.

So, about her e-mail, and my reflections. I think he may have gotten her pregnant. I have no evidence of this (save her cryptic words). Please remember that I initially wrote this several weeks before I actually found out that the pregnancy was a reality…but more about that later…

As for him, though, I promptly let him know i didn’t have time for thirsty dudes, and ended it. I never expected much from him — just a little courtesy. Eh, you live & you learn.

REWIND: Karma’s Revenge, Part I.

I originally wrote this a little over two years ago (though never sharing it publicly) — shortly after finding out about my friend’s betrayal. I realize that my blog posts may seem a bit like a stream of consciousness; but, I assure you, as I tell the story (throughout my next few posts), it will begin to make more sense. Or at least I hope it does.

I have no idea what my problem is. I asked for it (so to speak), and now I’m dealing with the consequences.

After much picking, prodding and fishing, my FWB finally admitted to sleeping with my ex-friend (initially, he claimed she only gave him oral sex – I didn’t really believe that, but quite honestly, it’s all the same to me). Those of you who read my blog can clearly see that this man is no prize, but I can’t help but feel betrayed — all around.

Additionally, if you read my blog, you’ve seen that I knew that my (former) friend lied about communicating with him, but it wasn’t until he admitted it that I had confirmation that they had sex (I figured as much, but I can’t go around accusing people without having facts and receipts to back me up). But now knowing the full story, I cussed him out, of course (though, he blamed me — like the sociopath that he is — claiming that all I treated him like was “a piece of meat”). I am not even going to dignify his weak attempt at projection with a response.

All of this said, I walked on eggshells about accusing my (former) friend of anything save lying to me (which really is enough); however, being armed with facts, I let her have it (via voicemail & text, since she didn’t answer my calls). I was not nice. Friendship notwithstanding, talk about sloppy seconds.

I cooled down a bit, and thought that a good night’s sleep (after several shots of bourbon) would help, but it didn’t. True, I woke up feeling a little less violent than I was feeling when I went to bed, but…

I keep having to remind myself that my FWB was just that. And my “friend”; well, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

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And to say that God was looking out for me would be an understatement (as you’ll soon read).

I am devious when I’m angry. I was telling my sister about my evil revenge plans, and she told me to let it go and let karma run its course. She’s right, but that is not easy (in hindsight, I should have wholeheartedly trusted the Universe’s divine sense of justice).

So, here i am, pissed and powerless. My ex-boyfriend always used to tell me: “Life will show you better than I can tell you”. This is true for everyone and every circumstance.

But let me tell you – it’s sobering to make peace with the fact that I may never see karma’s revenge. And it sucks.